Loneliness...We are together in that too...!

“So now, all alone or not, you gotta walk ahead. Thing to remember is if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too.” 
Patricia, P.S I Love You 
One of my most favorite lines ever written.

Midlife crisis! A troublesome phase no one is waiting for. I mean teenage is chaotic, yet everyone waits for it. On the other hand, a good percentage of people don't even know about the midlife crisis. When I first heard this term, I had imagined how my own version would look like. I thought I might be struggling with my job, family planning, existential crisis, confused between writing and improving technically. But what I'm struggling with, is something I never thought I will. The loneliness.

Yeah, the melodramatic loneliness. Obviously, I have people around me yet this absurd feeling is eating me up. Anyways, if I speak about this to someone, they will say I'm overthinking. And I understand their view. What we are missing in this pandemic is our solitary phase of life. We are surrounded by people 24*7. Honestly, I have no idea, why I have this feeling? What I'm missing? Where is it coming from? Most importantly, what I want out of it? How to deal with it?

It's hard to explain. And it's harder to ask for help. But I have to. Probably someday I'll talk about it. To someone who can listen and does not interrupt or interpret it according to them. Who rather than telling me what should I think, tells me, yeah they know the feeling. Someone whom I can talk without judgments and arguments and prolonged discussions about what's inside the brain can also be an actual issue.

But you know, I'm strong. So far, I handled it. It comes and goes. I confess questioning my choices, my life, my friends. I had a few meltdowns. I had cried for no reason. My heart, felt like it's sinking, drowning in the middle of the sea and no one is coming forward to help. It sucks. It's easier than explaining this to someone else.

Sometimes I'm afraid that this feeling will persist longer than I expect. However, I'm hopeful too. It lets me explore and expand my inner strengths. It lets me question my conscience and compels me to look for answers I was otherwise neglecting.


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